Who are you calling fat?

I cried after I saw this photo (picture taken November 2014). Who is that?  What happened to me?

I made excuse after excuse about my weight. It's menopause. I'm going through the change, so you know at my age it's harder to lose weight. Maybe it's my thyroid. Yeah that's what it is. Or you know what it is, Diabetes. It runs in my family. That is what it is. I know it. It didn't matter how little I ate or how much I exercised I wasn't losing anything. 

Then it happened. Someone called me fat. Well not straight to my face, but it was more like 'Us fat girls need to stick together.' WHAT? Who are you calling fat. I looked backed to see who else was around and it was just her and I. I smiled but deep down inside I knew it. Honestly that wasn't the only time. I noticed in a group photo that holiday season I was 'cropped' off at a holiday party I attended. I was the only one that didn't look like the rest - you know in size. I just smiled when I was told oh you know Instagram cut you off. After that I was like who needs enemies when I have friends like you. OK fine... whatever. Over it.   

I then went on diets. I tried an all protein diet, I tried crazy cleanses. Nothing. I would lose 3 pounds. Gain back those 3 plus 1 or 2. It made NO SENSE! NO SENSE AT ALL. 

My bursitis in my hip wasn't getting any better and the Orthovisc shots I received in my knees would soon wear off. I asked what can I do so I don't have to come back and get these shots again. Doctor looked at me and said losing weight would really help. Umm.. hello. I'm solid. I do triathlons, I run marathons.. it's all muscle at least that is what I thought.   

Then one day I saw photos of an old teammate pop up. The transformation was amazing and I wanted to find out more about it. I sent her a message on Facebook. She told me all about this bootcamp she was attending. It was more then a workout they also talked to you about nutrition. She mentioned they were starting a new 6 Week challenge and this would be a great opportunity for me to try it out. During these challenges the trainers would give you extra workouts on the weekends and help you with nutrition. I figured I have nothing to lose. 

I joined Burbank Fit Body Bootcamp in the month of June 2015. Lets fast forward because I'm a boring writer. 

Part of the challenge is that they take before and after photos. In the beginning I hated them. Actually I still hate getting them taken, but when I see how much my body has changed I get so excited. 

From June to November I know I was a lot more motivated. During the holidays I admit I got a little lazy. I didn't gain any weight during the holidays (which is AWESOME) I actually lost about 2 pounds, but then my body pretty much stayed the same. 

What I have learned. Lean bodies are made in the kitchen. It's the whole 80/20 rule. 80% Food 20% Exercise. I log in all of my food and try to attend boot camp at least 4/5 days and sometimes 6 days. Just really depends on what is going on. 

(1-. When I strted bootcamp, June 29, 2015. 2- At the end of my 2nd 6 week challenge, November 10, 2015. 3- The start of this current 6 Week challenge, January 9, 2016)

What I love about this is that I make my food choices. I am learning what is good for my body to keep it healthy. Most places give you a meal plan. At Fit Body Boot Camp it's the members who help eachother in this part. We all talk about food all day long. What works, what tastes great, but it's up to you to make it and keep yourself accountable. 

Each time I get tired or I am feeling unmotivated I look at my challenge photos. While I still have a lot to lose the changes are happening slowly but surely. I cry. It's not about trying to impress anyone. It's about feeling good - physically!   

This is the last week of this 6 week challenge (my 3rd) and I can't wait to see my before and after photos side by side. I did get a little sick and didn't make it in as often, but I still kept to my calorie and count and watched my macros. 

I feel like I can start planning races again. It's been a long time since I've felt motivated enough to even look at a race website. I look at the bike (I HAD TO HAVE) and it's just sitting there - flat tires and all. All Triathlon gear is neatly put away. 

What do I want to do? 

I want to do Kona 70.3. I want to do an Ironman! I won't get ahead of myself, I know I have to start over and I'm OK with that. Summer 2016 is when I plan to start training again. Now to find a race. :) The possibilities are endless. 

Why are they talking about me in that song?

Have you ever heard a song and right off the bat it's like hey that song is me. I could have wrote it.



As I kept on listening I heard this little voice sing:
♫ ....but before I give up,
        before I give in,
        I look to my friends in the stars,
        and he said
        you gotta go
        you gotta get up and go
        before you get anywhere ... ♫

Tears. Yeah I am pretty emotional like that but I was crying! The song was speaking to me. Last week I was sick, I missed another swim practice and had absolutely no motivation. I email my mentor and said you know maybe this isn't the best time for me. I mean seriously what am I doing here. I'm no 'real' triathlete. I don't care about PRing. I care about crossing that finish line. After my injuries last year I kind of lost hope in myself. What am I trying to prove?

That is when all my crazy emotions hit me. As the song says "I mess up, I haven't done my best..."  But in the words of bucket "I am not giving up." 

I'm still in training, Training for Super Hero Cancer Fighter Status. 

So much to catch up on!

Nautica Malibu Triathlon.

So I won't bore anyone with the details but my goal was to swim that swim like no ones business. I did it! I came out feeling amazing. 

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I also participated in the Bonelli Park Steamboat Express Triathlon. 
That race was so much fun!! I can't believe I said that. The swim was over in a blink of an eye. The bike portion was a bit of a pain - the hills - and the run was over before I knew it. I laughed because I came out 7th in my group. I was like WOO HOO then I realized there were only 8 people in my age group. Good times.

I love my teammates. They are so inspiring and my biggest cheerleaders.

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last but not least - my annual girls get away weekend Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. 

The race was a bit challenging because my hip still isn't feeling it's best. But I still felt good throughout the race. For me it wasn't about the time it was about me showing myself I still had the spirit in me. 

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And now I'm at it again. I've joined Team Audrey!! What is Team Audrey? A group of amazing people whose goal is to  raise $100,000 to link Audrey Duffy to a Research Portfolio! Who is Audrey Duffy? 

She is a woman who cancer doesn't know who it's dealing with. Her spirit, her fight, her determination, it's what drives me. I was running with her and I said you know I may take a season off - just you know relax a bit. Her answer "I wish I could tell cancer I want to take a season off." Ah yeah!! So umm what do you say to that? You can't say no. 

 http://pages.teamintraining.org/calso/yourway15/BucketOfLove

not so perfect

For the last week I've been getting up and doing a few dance moves, see the inspiration below.
I've heard it said that dancing makes people smile. And it's true. Try dancing with a frown and I bet you can't. It's not that I have anything to be sad about but I'm just dancing to dance. I've got moves NOBODY should ever see, so dancing by myself is the way to go.  

Putting away my medals
This past weekend I was cleaning my bedroom. After months of training and not being home it was a much needed thing to do.  I made a decision to put away my medals. Why? Sometimes a fresh start is in order. At least that is what I told myself. As I was taking all my medals off their hook I didn't quite as gently put them on the floor - then I heard this 'CRACK'. It was my Barbs Race Medal. :( I sat down and cried. Yeah I know..a little too emotional for most but that medal meant so much to me. *Sigh* broken. Shit happens and I'm going to try and crazy glue it back together. I've got tons of medals and all have a special place in my heart but last years Barbs Race meant a lot. 

9 more days
The Nautica Malibu Triathlon is coming up in 9 days. I haven't really been thinking much about it. I'm still swimming, biking, and running (well..OK walking) and getting ready for it. I keep hearing from people around me that if the waves are too big that day they may cancel the swim portion. At work I sit near the team who is part of putting on the race and wozers they go through a lot to put on such a huge event. I know the triathlon fundraisers have already raised over $1 million dollars. It's so amazing! It's been pretty cool to talk to my co-workers about training also. Last year since I got here later in the year I didn't sign up to participate with the CHLA team. I'm actually pretty excited for race day.  Signing up with the team has also given me a chance to meet more of my co-workers. With my work load and what I do I don't actually get to really talk to everyone. All I ever hear is 'Oh you are Susan'. I smile and say 'Yep that's me'.

Labor Day Weekend...........FUN
Went on an awesome bike ride with friends. 

I looked up at one point and realized I was down the street from my aunts house.

 This picture totally makes me smile. Little Zachy is loving the goggles I got him. At one point I saw him trying to mimic my swimming. So ADORABLE!  

Here is a picture of the grandbaby. I can't wait for him to stay awake longer and to start smiling. It's as if he is always thinking 'I'm not sure if I like you yet.'

Sometimes he looks like my son and sometimes he looks like his mom. I think he looks more like his mom.  He truly is a mixture of both of them.
 

what happened..

It's not fun you know, to DNF but I'm over it. It's taken me a whole month to write about it. 

What happened. Have I mentioned I have blood sugar issues. Yep, it runs in the family. While I don't have full blown diabetes I do have it. I have always had blood sugar issues but not until I was older did it get bad. 

Anyway, I didn't follow my race plan. Didn't eat my healthy breakfast. Didn't continue to hydrate before the race, it was a hot day and well I ruined my race. It didn't help that I had been sick the the last 2 weeks before the race so I was already dehydrate from all the sinus medicines I had been taking. Some people will say yeah I had a friend who did the race and she was sick with a cold and she was fine - SO WHAT. Good for them. Sorry I'm being bitter, I'm not a bitter person I swear. Everyone is different - i just hate that people talk behind my back. That bucket - she just gave up - you weren't there so how would you know? See not bitter.

My race stopped when I got to Bike Sag 1 (mile 18 I think). I had been seeing stars while riding my bike and was like whoah..what is going on. I started hydrating like crazy and was OK for a bit but when I stopped at SAG I was all shaky. I didn't even realize it until one of the volunteers grabbed my bike to steady me. That is when everything went black. And that is also the point when the race ended for me. SUCKS. And there goes my goal of completing 2 half Ironman's this summer. 

What's next? I'm still training but on a smaller scale, training for Nautica Malibu Triathlon - classic distance. First and foremost I have to get physically healthy. My hip feels a LOT better. I 'tried' running on it last weekend, but that was after swimming and biking - and it was OK. Not going to say it was 100% it was just OK. Did it hurt? Yep. Like really bad. Nope. Next time I'll tape it up and see how that does. Taping does wonders!! I LOVE Rocket Tape and Rocket Sauce - just had to add that in.

Meet Barbara. Sweet as pie! I met her through my friend Tina. Curtis is a fellow teammate. We all kept an eye on each other during one of our open water swims. It is nice to show up to a totally new team practice and see familiar faces. 

We swam in the ocean once and well it was amazing. I've only ever said that a few times. I did have a bit of a panic attack. I had to calm my nerves and relax. This time I had no familiar faces around me so I just stopped looked up at the clouds and smiled. I remembered what Coach Kevin once told me 'Just look up and enjoy the calmness. Clam your breathing. Breathe in - breath out'. It took a few minutes but I was OK. It's a struggle for me still. I do wonder if I will actually ever enjoy it. I hope to. So many of my friends love it. It's like goat cheese - either you love it or you don't. 

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This isn't training related, but I just have to share. 

 

My baby is now a daddy. 

That makes me a grandma. WHAT! Yep. I'm a grandma. 

He is perfect! No really. He keeps his parents up and he loves to eat, shit, and sleep - on repeat all day long.His name is Nicholas Alexander and he was born on August 2nd.

Here is a more recent picture. I feel like he is looking at me and thinking..so this is the one .. the one my dad warned me about - His mom. She gives way to many kisses and is always taking pictures. Yes little Nicky - I am that grandma.  He is going to be so spoiled - with hugs, kisses, and love.

 

 

3 more days until Barbs Race an all Womans Half Ironman Event

But first a recap from last year 'Click here to read it'. 

I just read it, and realized maybe all this stress and anxiety I am feeling now is the same exact thing I felt last year. I am more prepared this year then I was last year. My training was a little bit different this season. I did more this season then last season. More midweeks - actually I did my midweeks. Last year I had the job from hell and I wasn't able to attend midweek practices. Even with my hip injury I didn't let it stop me from doing what I had to do. 

Coach Riz left this on my car last year, actually I still have that note. I didn't have much confidence in myself and was afraid. After this note she left me I knew I had it in me to complete this event. If she had confidence in me I had to have the confidence in me. 
 

This year Mark will be there to cheer me on. I'll be honest, a lot of people don't get it. Why do all of this, just for a medal? It's not about the medal. I am pretty much an open book, but I am also a closed book. I know a lot of people look at me and say really..just give up. It's that 'Just give up' look that they give me that pushes me to continue on. It's also my drive and determination to help raise funds to cure cancer. I have lots of talks with my Tia Andrea. What would she tell me. What did she tell me. She always supported me in my fundraising. Always told me she was proud of me for doing this. OK can't type anymore - shit.    

and with that...3 more days.

Week 26 - Vineman is Coming up Barbs race in 2 weeks

Ironman 70.3 Vineman is coming up. Yay Yay blah. I am not racing. :(  I had all these huge goals this triathlon season and I feel like a failure to myself. But wait...I have succeed with many of my goals, but my failure only comes in the sense where my goal was to complete 2 half Ironman events in July. I am still doing Barbs Race 70.3, just not Vineman. 

Coach Javi and Coach Riz had a chat with me about a week back. Being realistic I will not make the cut off times for the Vineman event.

 

So if you are new to this triathlon stuff this is how it goes. We swim in waves according to age. My age group starts at 8:18 am. The first swimmers start at 6:36 am. [This is when lying about my age would have been a good thing!!! Ok screw it, if y'all think I look like I'm in my early 30's I AM! I've been lying about being 44. No really I'm 34, can I swim in wave 2 please.] My goal for this season was to get faster and honestly I'm not sure I pulled it off. I just looked at my results from last years Barbs race and it doesn't look to hot for me. 

I was doing great and... well could it be the hip injury? I don't know. It's disappointing. I'm not going to lie! I'm looking at my bike times from my training weekends and I'm trying to figure out what am I doing wrong. No wait I have improved - a little. My average bike time at Barb's race was an average of 11.1. I know I can do better and I have. For this type of race, on the bike is where most people make up a lot of time. If I even biked just a little faster I think I would have made the bike cut off time. 

Anyway the point....I'm not doing Vineman but I am doing Barbs Race. The more I repeat it the less tears I have about it. As the saying goes I'm taking the bull by the horns.

   
So. What else can I talk about. Swimming in the Ocean. 

This is the 1st time I've smiled since going in the ocean. OK for some swimming at Belmont Shores may not be swimming in the actual ocean, but for me it was perfect. It's salt water, I swam in my wet suit and YAY for no waves knocking me down. I needed the time in my wet suit and it felt amazing. 

Thanks for the invite Tina! It was a great swim and I felt so relaxed out there. I love my wet suit! OK No I don't, but this time I wasn't rushing to rip it off. 

I did go swimming in the actual ocean the next day (7/5). This was my mindset - and children sorry for my cursing - I said FUCK IT and ran in and didn't stop until I reached calmer water. Basically i swam  until I got past the wave brakes. Stupid waves. Once out there..lets just say..I don't like swimming in open water. I know people love it, I keep saying I will learn to love it, I don't love it. I do it because I know it will make me a strong swimmer, but really...REALLY? Yeah really. The main thing for me is not to be alone. I hate swimming alone and that is when I freak out. I need a permanent swim buddy attached to me. #truth 

Are you still reading this? 

Check out these cuties. 

      
In this picture my booger felt his little booger kick him. So precious. 

 I just LOVE LOVE LOVE this one. I know they are going to make great parents. Mark and I attended a baby shower that Natalie's family threw her. I won't lie it makes me cry. I miss not seeing my son, but then I see why he is always with Natalie and her family - they really are great to him. In her family there are so many little ones, makes me happy to know little Nicky is going to have so many cousins. 

Natalie got me this t-shirt for my birthday. I can't wait to wear it! The word 'Grandma' is still freaking me out a bit but I am sure I will embrace it when the time comes. According to Natalie's grandma the baby should be coming on the next full moon - which is this weekend. Poor thing has been on bed rest since early June, so wishing her an easy delivery [actual due date is 8/15]. 

That is all for now.
Work is CRAZY. I'm a little sick and really exhausted. I can not wait to cheer my friends on at Ironman 70.3 Vineman this weekend. They are amazing cancer fighters!! 

See you next week..I'm not done yet!